The Spring equinox begins this weekend, when night and day stand in perfect balance. The Spring Equinox represents new life and growth. The lethargy of winter is dissipating and there is the promise of life becoming more exuberant.
This equinox is also known as Ostara or Eostre - and is celebrated as a festival of new growth, renewal, a re-balancing of energies and the return of longer days.
"Goddess of fertility and new beginnings, we take this opportunity to embrace Eostre's passion for new life and let our own lives take the new direction we have wanted for so long."
I mentioned in my last post the last chemo being bittersweet and how its left me feeling alone and despondent. I kept waking up last week wishing I was still asleep. Now I know that sounds bad and normally I would link that feeling with depression but that's not how I felt. I'm not sure if it was just because I had a lot of sleep to catch up on or whether I was genuinely happier while sleeping but the feeling was different from being depressed. Maybe it was because I was somewhere different in my dreams and have been craving a change of scenery.
A girlfriend asked me to go out on Saturday night. At first I jumped at the chance of a night out, after all I had not been out properly since my birthday in August last year. When it got to Saturday I was umming and arring all day, mainly because I wasn't sure if it was a bit too soon to be going out drinking. I decided that I could really do with a good night out and was bored of being stuck in all the time anyway.
It took me a while to get ready. I must of tried my whole wardrobe on. When it comes to getting ready I am a real perfectionist and get easily frustrated if somethings not quite right. My mum said I was like this even at a very young age. If my socks were odd I would have to have a right paddy and I even used to colour coordinate my outfits. Well this time I had a paddy because my short thinning hair didn't look right with my look, I couldn't get my fake eyes lashes on right at the first, third or forth attempt and when I drew my eyebrows on I felt ridiculous. Also not everything fits the same anymore because of losing weight. I don't necessarily expect men to understand this but I'm pretty sure you girls do.
I do feel like I shouldn't moan and I feel I'm being ungrateful when I say things like "I miss my long hair" and "I wish I had my eyelashes back." I know they will grow back and my hair will be long again in a few years and it doesn't matter how many times someone says to me you look beautiful. I just want someone to agree with me. For the first time today someone actually did and she said 'God, you're right. Long hair was you and it must totally suck.' I was so glad to hear this because I don't moan to get attention or a reaction out of anyone, like most people I just want to moan now and then.
So after my mammoth dressing up session I finally made it out. I must admit I was pretty nervous at first and it took a good 2 large vodkas to make me feel a little at ease but I can totally see the difference in my confidence right now. I was coping just fine with my friend but as soon as we met up with her boyfriend and his friends I felt incredibly anxious and did not feel ready to be overtly social with some new people.
I am feeling incredible vulnerable, insecure and emotional. I do not feel myself at the moment and in a social situation this feeling is heightened. Of course alcohol does not help one bit and I think I may not have been ready for a night out.
It takes a lot for me to admit these things and I feel like I am really baring my soul when I write some of these posts. But I am doing this so that people who have not gone through what I am going through can really understand and more importantly for anyone that is going through the same as what I am, can relate to it and not feel alone like I do.
When I write a post like this I often get comments and emails from people who have had cancer saying they felt the same way and that its still early days. Its great to hear that it is just part of the experience and I will regain my life back soon.
Im off to Glastonbury with my best friend this weekend to celebrate the Spring equinox. It will be my first trip away and I feel a very appropriate one too. I'm hoping to retrieve some of my energy back and feel rejuvenated.
"It is a time to focus on personal growth and renewal. We renew our thoughts, our dreams, and our aspirations."
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