Bittersweet

Since finishing chemo emotionally I have been all over the place. I was expecting to be more unwell then I have been but I seem to have managed to get away with it more lightly this time. Its true when they tell you that each one can be very different and there is no consistency to how you are going to feel after each one. I had the sore throat and the aches and pains for a few days but I have been up and about most of the time. I do get tired very quickly though and forget what state my health is in and can quickly over do it. At the moment I can pretty much guarantee when it gets to late afternoon I start to feel tired or even a little poorly.

Emotionally though I have not been feeling too good, up until now anyway. Finishing chemo feels bittersweet. You are left feeling slightly dejected and alone. One minute your living your life or in my case trying to build a new one and then suddenly in one fell swoop your life is turned upside down. Your life is then consumed by this disease and your almost living life in a bubble, protected from the outside world and only worrying and concentrating on getting through it. I was able to forget about working and any future plans. So when I approached the end of the chemo I felt scared and lost as my life was not going to go back to normal just like that and I really had no where to pick up from anyway.

It feels like some people assume that because it was your last chemo you should be ecstatic and your life will go back to normal straight away. I feel like I need just as much support as I ever have done. My sister and a friend described it like how it must feel coming out of prison. Everyone expects you to be happy because you are out when in fact its a daunting prospect at having to rebuild your life again.

There are times when I have really felt like I have not had the strength to cope and could easily let it get on top of me. Months of being injected with strong drugs must really mess with your head leaving you feeling emotionally inept. I have however and am coping. I have drawn out strength I did not know I had. As well as the cancer I have had other issues to deal with too and was probably wasting a lot of energy on.

I have been fed up of being at home all the time and having nothing to look forward to so arranged a few weekends away with friends. I need to recoup and revitalize my body and mind and restore my energy. I think having a break after treatment is so important. I have arranged to go to Spain for a weekend with a friend after radiotherapy so that its not too much of another anti-climax.

I have applied for a fashion course which I will have an interview soon and am sorting a photo shoot out for some recent photos to give the modeling agency. Having a few plans already makes me feel more secure about the future.

I also have some exciting news. I have been asked to interview Karen Franklyn about a campaign for My-wardrobe.com's TV spot. The campaign is for Fashion Targets Breast Cancer, which is a subsidiary charity of Breakthrough Breast Cancer, Every year they launch a campaign with various fashion brands and retailers to raise money. The launch date will be on April 6th. So check it out!

Someone asked me if I was ending my blog because I had finished my chemo. My journey with cancer has not ended just quite yet and have more treatment and surgery to go through before its over. So the answer is no I am not ending the blog just yet.