I have spent a lot of this year trying to decide two important things.... What breast reconstruction to have and whether to stay on tamoxifen or not. I am absolutely terrible at making decisions so this has been so hard for me. Its stressed me out no end and really didn't know how I was to come to a decision. I realised I'd had too much time to think about it, asking for peoples help, hearing their stories. It was so nice that so many people wanted to help but in the end it just confused me even more and I got to the point where I couldn't decide between what I really wanted and what other people thought. So many women are understandably scared of BC returning and have another mastectomy. In the cases of women having the gene then its not a question of whether or not but in my case it was whether I was scared or not. At first I wasn't, I had always been very positive from the start that I would not get BC again but the more people I spoke to the more I felt like I should be worried. I was wondering if I was being unrealistic about it and thought well if all these women are so worried and are going to drastic measures by having another mastectomy then maybe I should too.
I hated that i was starting to feel more scared about it coming back and annoyed that my positivity was dwindling. My mum had noticed a big difference in my attitude too and was so upset that I had gone from being so positive to being scared. I had let too many women's stories worry me.
It wasn't until I saw my oncologist 2 months after I had come off tamoxifen that I came to a decision. I bombarded him with questions. Firstly I wanted to know the statistics about BC coming back. He was very reluctant to show me but I insisted. I now know why he was so reluctant. He showed me them on his computer by putting in all the information of my particular breast cancer. At first it was not looking good, the red line which represented women dying from cancer just got bigger and bigger until it nearly filled the whole line. I welled up and my poor mum who had come with me broke down in tears. I was thinking oh god why did I ask him to do this! Then as he started to add what treatment I had including hormone treatment it started to get smaller again until it was half way. This was better but still not great, but it was a massive reality check. This helped me decide that it really was best to stay on the tamoxifen and to just ride out all the side effects that came with it. The thought of going down the alternative route has always appealed to me more but I just don't know enough to do it and as herbal treatments are not clinically tried then how am I to know whether its helping me or not. It was too risky in these early stages. The first 2 years I am at highest risk of BC coming back. I couldn't possibly take this risk anymore.
As for having another mastectomy or not, well that was not related to whether my BC would return. I am obviously more at risk of getting BC again in the other breast but it has nothing to do with the same one returning. I have always thought why take something away when there is nothing wrong with it. I could get ovarian cancer, cervical cancer but it doesn't mean I'm going to start hacking away at half my body just in case I got cancer again. There is no point spending your life in fear of this dreaded disease. Yes it could return but at the same time it might not. Whats the point of worrying and being scared. Its a waste of time and energy. My time and energy is best spent on getting on with my life and enjoying every moment of it!
So it was decided back on the tamoxifen and no mastectomy! Two days later I got the exciting news of my surgery date, May 4th. Just in time for the summer! i never used to wear low cut tops, but maybe I might just start! I am going to be so proud of my new set of boobs knowing what I have gone through. I certainly wont be ashamed of them and hide them away.
I am so happy that it is finally here. It feels like a long and tough road I have been riding and this is the one thing that will boost my confidence again and almost feel like an end to the last 18 months. So my reconstruction will involve having implants and tissue taken from my back to make my breast look more natural. I am obviously not going to go crazy and go Jordan styleee. I just want my normal size back. They will be the same size as usual, just perter and firmer!
So apart from that great sense of relief and great news I had some more good news a few weeks ago. I decided to go for a costume design course down south and got on. I had come across this course by accident and at the time I was thinking about wanting to move back down south and I had realised that I wanted to specialise in costume rather then fashion, so it really had come at the right time. It was meant to be!
So after my surgery in May once I have recovered I will moving back down south and moving back in with Joe which I am very excited about. Good things are on the horizon and I can not wait!
Did I mention my mums new cute puppy Mental Mable!!!
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